Stuck In Fast-Forward

My life has been stuck in a whirlwind since late 2012.

Someone pushed the fast-forward button on my life and it's stuck. HELP! I can't get it out and my anxiety is through the roof wanting time to slow down.

You know those days that are just terrible and you want over? Then the next day you wake up kicking yourself because you didn't realize it was the last time you would ever tie your daughters shoe? Baths turn to showers. You're not needed to do ponytails anymore and what about when your baby isn't a baby anymore? This happened to me this weekend and I was ambushed. I had NO clue it was coming. I'm struggling to be okay with it.

It started as a completely uneventful Saturday morning in our house. I had decided that I was going to paint some mountains on the wall to make Knox's room more "boy". He was ecstatic. I thought, okay, we will just move the crib over and put the toddler bed in here just to get him used to it being around, he is 2.5yo afterall. Well here I was thinking I would be ready for my baby to be in a big boy bed - I was dead wrong. Are we ever truly ready for such a big event? He was all for it and I was a hot-mess, trying to be cool. My snuggly little cutie-patootie baby boy decided he wasn't a baby anymore on Saturday, February 27th at 12:11PM. TBH, I was mentally prepared for the nightly struggle and trillions of "GO TO BED KNOX!" But, who knew that I wouldn't have to do it even once? Who knew that last Friday would be the last day that I tucked my baby in his crib? Definitely not me.

On the morning after Knox slept in his big boy bed, he turned his music off and came downstairs. At first I was pumped! SWEET. He's getting more independent, this is nice! I decided that we didn't need the crib anymore because he didn't need it. Let's free up some space and sell it. I started searching back through my camera roll of pictures with the crib set up in the nursery. Along with searching those came memories flooding back to me. Swaddled babies, newborn screams, first smiles, and my favorite: sink baths.

One thing led to another and I couldn't help but think of my first born so little itty-bitty swaddled up surrounded by pink and teal everything laying so sweetly in our crib. I wasn't too sad packing it up for the next one, because there would always be a next one. Scarlett used the crib in our new house and same thing, always so tiny, but again, no big deal: there would still be another baby. Then came Knox, the baby. The baby that would forever stay our baby. I wish I would have known he would be our last, maybe I would have tried to steal my life-remote back, just for a little bit.

Then time hi-jacked my remote.

Pushed down hard on the FF button, it got stuck, and here I am. Can't catch up. Can't rewind.

Please tell me I'm not alone? I'm sure that there are people out there that are totally content with their baby growing out of the needy stage. I wasn't in any rush to get Knox out of a crib. I'm not in any hurry to get him out of diapers; even if he can tell me that he has poop in his diaper. I love his mumbles and words I can't understand. I love that he needs help putting his shoes on. Know what I hate? The fact that my big girls are so independent that they don't need me for much of anything. What I hate worse is that I didn't try to freeze time years ago.

Moms (and most dads) want their kids to get to the next stage. Everyone always try to get their babies to crawl, to walk, to talk. I'm totally guilty of it. 100%. It was all so exciting, until there's no turning back. No more cribs. No more baby mumbles. No more babies.

I'm typing this with tears streaming down my face thinking about how small all of my babies started in that damn crib. Knowing how big they all are and the only thing that I have to hang on to is videos and pictures. I can't feel what it was like when that little tiny hand would cling onto the back of my arm when they were on my hip. I miss this so much. Or the fact that the baby smell disappeared and I couldn't tell you even when it did. One day it was just gone. I wish that I could have bottled it up, just like I did their first haircuts or little teeth.

To all of the moms that are in the same boat as me: I see you. I feel you. I'm sobbing for you.

To all of the new moms: TAKE VIDEOS! TAKE PICTURES! Even the littlest things will be such big memories for you. Years from now, you'll be thankful that you did.

To all of the grandmas: I get it now. I get the love for new babies.

XO

Hells