What's Your Number?

YOU GUYS. I'm struggling with the question How Many Kids Will You Have?

How did you know? Was it like an absolute certainty that you were done having kids? Did you have something that forced you to be done? I'm curious and totally nosy. I'm looking for my answer and I can't find it. I've been waiting for my "sign" from up above. I'm pretty sure I've gotten a trillion signs, they just haven't been the one I've wanted to hear. I just keep asking God, "are you sure? Maybe send me another one to make sure."

I've always told myself that I wanted four kids. ALWAYS. There was never a doubt in my mind, until I had number three and felt somewhat satisfied. Now he's getting out of the baby stage and I'm back to struggling if I want one more. "Now is the time" is what my husband and I keep saying, but is it though? We keep extending our 'if it happens, it's happens' time frame. I've heard from so many different people that they "knew" they were done - which is awesome! I've also heard from a handful of friends that they never felt that complete feeling. Is this where the Duggar family comes into play? Just keep having them and soon the oldest will just raise the youngest and you never have to ask yourself the number question? I'm legit so on the fence that I just want someone to make my decision for me. My three siblings are just starting out with kids, so there are many more to be added to the mix in the upcoming years; whereas my in-laws are all done having kids, meaning that I will be stages behind them when they all want to explore with the older kids. What to do, WHAT TO DO.

Around Christmas time, I went into the doctor to find out that they diagnosed me with PCOS (Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome). Periods were weird and rare, lots of cysts on my ovaries, I had tons of cramping, pretty much all of the pregnancy symptoms without the positive test. Just to answer the question before it can be asked, there were ultrasounds to confirm no pregnancy. I thought that was the answer I was looking for. My husband continuously asked if I would be okay with only three kids, I couldn't answer it wholeheartedly! Now, sure, absolutely I would be okay with the three. The chaos in our life is nuts and it's only going to get worse, but in 10 years? I think I'll be sad. After more testing, my regular OB/GYN told me that I don't fit characteristics of PCOS and that she doesn't believe I have that (very reassuring to what's going on with me right?). SO I'm back to having zero clue what I want and why my body is acting the F up. Babies came somewhat easily the first three times, so why am I getting the runaround this time - is this my answer?

Could it be the difference in ages that makes me not want just one more? My oldest is 7 and youngest is 1.5. If I had another one then it would be another year tacked on to the oldest. The guilt of not doing too much while lugging around an infant, but trying to culture my oldest is getting tougher. My energy level is the lowest it's been ever - and most days I feel like the energizer bunny, it's diminishing - I need a recharge. It's so much easier to tell other moms to have more kids rather than go through it yourself. Been there - done that, I always say go for one more. TBH though, the thought of pregnancy alone makes me not want another baby. I'm not a fan of pregnancy, I get it - it's beautiful, but do not love the thought of losing control of my body for another year. Let's not even get started on the hemorrhoids - if nobody told you about those and pregnancy, shame on them. It's pretty much labor the entire 10 months of pregnancy. BUT... the thought of holding a newborn little honey makes me want another. WTF. SOMEONE come make my decision. I can't do it.

I guess I could be content with three kids, they're healthy and happy, but I would be lying if I said the health factor with number four didn't scare me. My heart is breaking for so many of my friends being in and out of the hospital with their little babies, the uncertainty terrifies me. Anyone else? One thing I know is that God does not give anyone something they cannot handle. I've witnessed it first hand as well as watching the strongest mothers I know battle something that no mother ever should have to; if you're a mom, you can see their invisible cape floating behind them. If baby number four ever makes it's way to my uterus, then comes into the world with health problems - I will wear the badge with honor. I just hate not knowing the unknown. Ugh.

So, tell me: what was your sign? Was it that you hit your number you were looking for? Did you have a c-section that limited your number? Was it one and done? I'm losing sleep trying to figure out it out, so maybe your sign is my sign.

Hells